My son is 11 and just started secondary school. For a long time now he has had mood swings where he is happy ,friendly and playful, ticking and playing jokes one minute, then, with absolutely no trigger, he is angry, confrontational and disobedient. Lately he has become worse, he refuses to go to school, will not bathe, does not like school trips and will not eat or speak to anyone apart from shouting at everyone. He says he hates the whole family and doesn`t want to live with us. He has everything he needs, plenty of support from all of us. We try to work with him, playing games, helping with homework, he has a set of curriculum encyclopaedias, access to a laptop, reference books and all the attention and help he needs. He is more than capable of doing homework but is refusing. He has many friends who are at our home daily, they have made a den in the garden and are constantly building things out of wood, bits of bike etc. We try to encourage him in whatever he is into at the time. We just bought him a microscope as he is interested in the cell work he is doing at school. He gets plenty of attention especially as I am medically retired and do not work.
I dread every morning as I know I will have go through the refusal to get out of bed, the tantrums, followed by the rudeness and the reluctance to wash or clean his teeth and finally the slamming of the door as he leaves for school with no breakfast. I have tried talking to him but he never shows his feelings and seems indifferent towards everything. This results in frustration and sometimes anger. We have tried to find out why he behaves this way, but he either will not or cannot say. He has an older brother who is on medication for adhd so it is possible, as it is genetic, that he is showing certain traits of this.
He has been under camhs for his mood swings and his constantly changing but continuous little habits such as tics, hand shaking, touching pens or cutlery for example to the side of his head before using them. He has some kind of habit at all times and this has been going on for years now. He had several sessions at camhs (child and mental health service)but was seeing a social worker and not a psychologist. This was not productive in any way and I felt it had been a waste of time. I am considering taking him for referral by his GP to someone who can be of more help to him.
I am no longer able to cope with this situation, it is so stressful. it is heartbreaking to see my once happy little boy so angry and unhappy. I don`t know how to how to help him. I want him to enjoy life and want to do the things all the other kids do, but the harder i try, it seems, the more he rebels. I just end up in tears every day. I am on antiseizure tablets for life following partially successful brain surgery and one year`s chemotherapy. I am concerned I may have to go back on antidepressants, which i really don`t want to do, but I fear I cannot manage this situation without. The family are all very upset and worried but unable to help as he will not respond to anything they try to do for him.
Can anyone help me with my son`s problems? I want him to be happy in himself and get on at school. I am concerned for his future if these issues are not resolved soon. I desperately need some advice. Can anyone help?
Many thanks for your time, Sandra
Answers
Is it possible that your son is overwhelmed by the difference between primary and secondary school, and taking back control by not joining in?
Would a treat of some kind help, with a few words of encouragement like It can be tough starting at a new school, well done so far, it does get easier.
I find music calming when there's bad vibes in the air.
Could you give him back some power. for instance These rows every morning are getting me down, you are old enough now to get your self up and ready for school so I am going to leave you to it!
good luck
I would suggest you try your GP again, my daughter also attended our local CAMHs and I also think they were pretty useless but I pushed and pushed until we recieved what I would consider an almost decent service! (they do seem to forget that the whole family needs support)
One year later she is no longer under CAMHS and she is a bright happy girl again - and the major difference is that she talks to us if she has had a bad day rather than becoming physically agressive or self harming..
Has your son had the opportunity to discuss your illness with anybody other than the family? could the behaviour be born out of fear?
I really feel for you, it is something you can't understand if you havent been through it.. and god did we go through it!!!
Get as much professional help as you can and keep asking for more.
Good luck x
Dear Sandra
You surely are having a challenging time!
Now, this is going to sound really difficult and near impossible - but please make a decision not to allow this to affect your health. You mention that you fear this may cause your condition to deteriorate - don't! You know as well as I that you will be of no use to yourself or your son, whom you clearly love very dearly, if you are unable take care of things because you are ill.
You need to try to 'separate' yourself from the problem, first of all by seeing it as a problem that can be solved. It may not seem like it at the moment but there is a solution to the problem and if you fix your sight on that it may help the situation to appear less overwhelming. Secondly, take care of yourself - take time out for yourself.
I do think you may need to go back to your GP and to ask for better support for your son. There is a reason why he is feeling this way. You need to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible for his and the rest of the family's sakes. I could suggest a lot of things, such as try talking to him when he is in his better moods, and to try to develop a friendship with him - do things together, but you say you have tried many things including these to no or little avail.
For this reason I have put your scenario to our resident psychiatrist Dr Richard Soppitt and will come back to you with his response as soon as I can.
In the meantime please stay positive!
Best wishes